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11:37 p.m. - 2011-04-23
i'm done with this. with all of it.

i'm leaving now, but i doubt you'll even notice.

i don't want your pity or your sympathy. i don't want your broken, exhausted metaphors.

you didn't want me. didn't care. please don't pretend to start now.

10:27 a.m. - 2011-03-26
*i can see the future through the clouds and fire*
one week gone and what a difference it makes.

you're gone. moved away. shifted again and left me before you ever found your nerve to try to prove what we had was worth preserving.

it's been a day since i've heard from you or seen any of your distant notes. this is the new normal. this is what i'll start getting used to.

last night i had friends over for dinner. it was a wonderful and fun night. they went home and i crumbled. i cried less than usual though so maybe i'm getting used to the loss.

today i'll run errands. tonight i'm going to a charity auction with friends. i'll hope that when i get home i won't crumble and cry again. maybe i won't be alone when i walk through the door.

tomorrow will feel like the end of time. the end of a year that meant so much to me. a year of lies and empty words that i'm only just now beginning to process. misled and used and thrown away without barely a thought.

i'm alone. i'll get used to it. someday.

the good news is that i like me and i like my friends. i'll replace the sad memories of a lost future with you with anything that makes me forget.

8:55 p.m. - 2011-03-21
a short countdown to the end
i�m losing you tonight and i�m helpless to keep you from slipping away. for all of the months invested, and all of the plans made, and all of the ideas about a future together, in the end, all they amount to is a collection of wasted breaths and misplaced dreams.

i wanted to open my world to you. i shared my thoughts, my hopes, my fears and my views with you. i gave you more of my heart and body than i�d given to anyone in years. as much as i tried to keep my head level and my hopes in check, i never seemed to be able to manage to keep you at a distance. i let you in and i liked the way it felt. i never wanted to let you go.

i regret that i believed you so easily. i�m sorry that i so eagerly interpreted your touches and reactions as feelings you didn�t actually share. it breaks my heart that i listened too carefully, but too selectively.
�the closest i�ve felt to love in years is with you.�
�i feel a certain way with you, and i have feelings for you, that i don�t want to lose.�
�in you i see a brighter, more stable future.�
�i like the way you talk to me.�

half of what you say is bullshit, and it wrecks me to know that the bullshit half is what you gave to me. what i know is true beyond a shadow of a doubt is what i�ve seen, further proving your notion that actions define who you are. you jump, no leap, whenever she calls you to action. you have bent and caved so often, i wonder if you really even know what you want or who you are. you�ve let her make you whatever it is she wants you to be, whether that�s a desperately obedient puppy or a cowering fool, content to let her lead you wherever she chooses.

though i know you�re gone, i find myself wondering how it happened. how she did it this time. how did she convince you to try again? how did she get you to agree that your wants don�t matter as much as hers? maybe she did it by playing to your weaknesses and reminding you of that mythical once upon a time when you had a dream of what it could be. maybe she convinced you that she wants the same things and she�s willing to work harder to show you. maybe she used some other technique designed to play to your sympathies. i�m guessing whatever she did, you now feel responsible for her happiness in a way you never did before and that�s why you�ve agreed to give up your life for her vision of you.

regardless of the methods used, i know you�re gone. i can feel it already. it�s as if the connective tissue that�s fed this wondertwin connection has been severed and tied.

i�ll learn to live without you and i�ll learn to forget my hopes for us. i�ll forget what it was like to fall asleep holding your hand. i�ll forget the way your skin felt to my lips when i kissed you. i�ll forget your laugh and i�ll stop thinking of you when i hear the elevator announce a visitor to my floor. i�ll stop looking for your emails and i�ll delete your phone number again. eventually, i�ll stop crying myself to sleep and i�ll get used to feeling hollow. someday i won�t think of you when i bake brownies, or buy milk, or drink root bear, or run a bath. i�ll stop seeing you in anything orange. i�ll pass street corners and not feel my breath catch for the memories. someday my couch cushion won�t hold the curve of your back. soon, i�ll have a new mattress, pillows and sheets to start fresh memories, free from the ghost of you. i won�t look for you at shows or online or anywhere, for that matter. i�ll convince myself that you weren�t real. it won�t really be that much of a stretch.

9:11 p.m. - 2011-03-17
*your face to alabaster*
because i knew this would happen.

because you taught me well.

i've made my own back-up plan.

thank you very much.

12:32 p.m. - 2011-03-17
*only sometimes*
sometimes, being with you feels like the loneliest place on the planet.

4:19 p.m. - 2011-03-05
*this is difficult to say*
Something inside told me.
I knew I was right and I've known all along.

Thank you.

I'll spend my time with the people who care about me and the person who wants to be with me.

I won't believe in your or our possibilities anymore.

I won't be bitter or cruel. I won't tell you what I know because no one deserves to feel like nothing. I've lived it with you for far too long but I still wouldn't wish it on you.


11:24 a.m. - 2011-03-01
*rabbit rabbit*
i'm so fucking tired of hearing and feeling how every other person in your life, past or present, makes you feel except for me.

maybe there is no feeling. maybe that's the reminder i've been missing. maybe that's the lesson i should be learning.

12:12 p.m. - 2011-02-26
*power from the people*
There's a state government center located behind my building. Currently, there's a huge rally taking place in support of Wisconsin union workers and working families everywhere. Thousands of people screaming and cheering with occasional eruptions of applause.

All I can think is that today would be a phenomenal day to be fucking someone in my bed. I do appreciate the support and vocal encouragement of the masses.

10:13 p.m. - 2011-02-25
And I know that it's all my fault so I'll try not to complain.

3:27 p.m. - 2011-02-25
*so long, farewell*
i just woke up this way this morning. maybe it was actual sleep that helped. maybe some magical troll came in during the night and gave my brain the bleaching it had been needing.

regardless of how it happened, all of these things are clear, crystal, in a way they've not ever been.
i now know that you'll never give me a chance. you won't consider me. you'll continue to ignore what we could be in favor of your own pitiful regrets. you'll never stop looking over your shoulder. you'll cover yourself with excuses and lies and substitute sincerity for a self-serving martyr routine. you'll flip through your mental files searching for the right speech to project contrition.

i say this with sincerity dripping from every fiber of my being, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, i hope your year continues to bring you what you need. i hope that you find a plentiful selection of questions, doubt, backward-facing stagnation, arguments, discomfort, ego-trips, self-loathing, unfinished resolutions, missed opportunities and terrible mistakes that seem to fuel and to drive you. if your melodramatic hyperbole is your source of happiness and inspiration, may you always have a limitless supply.

i accepted who you are. i wanted nothing more. i loved you. it didn't matter and it never will.

6:43 a.m. - 2011-02-25
*a letter to the buried from me*
Somehow, and I'd love to claim that I have the answers, things have become easier.

After all the worry, and all the sadness, and all the hurt feelings, somehow I've found a clarity that had been sorely lacking.

Maybe it's because I know you won't ever consider me. I know that if you go looking, you won't like what you find. I know that you won't free yourself from the shackles you've constructed and continued to wear.

I know that time moves on. I've given so much time, so much patience, with the hopes that someday you'd prefer a future to the stale past. I was wrong. At least I can admit that.

Eyes forward.

1:20 p.m. - 2011-02-23
*the blue and the yellow*
i had an absolutely crazy night last night.

when i woke this morning, i couldn't decide if i'd been dreaming or sleepwalking. well, sleepsomethingotherthanwalking. i checked the drawer next to the bed (my favorite one) to confirm my suspicions. what the fuck was i doing? i don't know that's ever happened to me before.

it was a perfect dream that's been making my lips curl into a smile all day. i won't describe it here, but you can check my other diary for all the details.

holy fuck i wish that dream had been real. i'd like to relive it right now.

and now my work day is shot. nibbling off my lipstick, trying to control the craving.

1:12 p.m. - 2011-02-23
last night he had to cancel again. i can't be mad because it was for a good reason -- he got a VIP pass to go to the (new mayor's) campaign HQ. now that the campaign's over and the photo opps have stopped, maybe his schedule will get back to something somewhat normal and we can pick up where we left off. we'll see.

he asked to reschedule "sometime soon" and i said ok. he said he'd let me know what his schedule looked like and what would be best. i told him that i'd let him know if i was free after he picks a day. i think he needed reminding that i'm not sitting around and waiting. i'm busy too, and i make plans however i see fit. he remembers now. he'll ask and not assume in the future.

that sounds terrible, i think, but i don't mean it that way. i find it frustrating that people who make wishy-washy plans expect those of us who don't to snap to attention and coordinate our lives to fit theirs. not this time. i've been down that path before and i do not like it.

you want to see me? you'd like to go out with me? great. ask. ask if i'm free and then ask when. don't tell me that you'll tell when you're free. i won't wait for that. let's make a decision together, shall we?

5:32 p.m. - 2011-02-20
*ghosting again*
the best part of every day... can i start over when i never really got a chance to try with you?

an invisible year filled with more memories than i can process but they never got to breathe.

you are my biggest regret. so much potential. wasted. discarded. too many lies.

5:13 p.m. - 2011-02-20
*so close*
i don't know how to feel without you. before i met you, i didn't know that i could feel this way. i didn't know how deeply i could care about someone. i tried. i tried everything i know how to do and it wasn't enough to matter. it wasn't enough for you.

this time felt so different. you're finally single, but you're still not free. freer, you talked more. we made more plans. we talked as if things were changing and that things would happen, but you're still so trapped, it can't happen.

why didn't you tell me? why didn't you mention your plans months ago, even just to tell me that you were going, that you'd bought tickets. you knew i'd ask if i had questions. but you hid it. then and now. and you wore that fucking shirt as if to flaunt the fact.

the truth of the matter is that i love you and i can't change that. but your plans truly don't, and won't, involve me. your routines are too set. you're too satisfied with misery. too comfortable with being unfulfilled.

why wouldn't you let me in? i only wanted to love you. i didn't want to change you or criticize you or hold you down. we could have grown together.

the stitches holding my heart together were starting to lead to healing. the itching that signals repair was finally starting. now, i think my heart has finally been ripped to shreds. i've been hollowed, hurt and crushed so much in the past year. i did it for you because i thought you were worth it and i knew we were worth it. but you've left me as a nowhere nothing. once i'm emptied of tears, i'll be just a pile of rubble. the ashes that are left of me will float away. i don't have anywhere to go anyway.

you were all that i wanted.

3:17 p.m. - 2011-02-18
*too still*
still here.

still trying. still failing.

2 dates this weekend. 2 chances to get better.

keep your fingers crossed for me.

1:27 p.m. - 2011-02-15
*here's my confession*
I sleep to avoid thinking of you.

I hope for better dreams than this reality.

11:17 a.m. - 2011-02-15
*you never called me*
and then you called me. out of the blue, there you were on the line, connecting the few miles between us.

yes, i'd like to see you. no, i'm not angry, but we should talk about what happened.

somewhere, sometime, i used to be strong. i was confident and sure. that's changed now, but i think i can find it again. if i find it in my voice with you, i'll be on the right path.

10:05 a.m. - 2011-02-15
*break to keep fixing*
often, i get a specific song in my head and cannot stop listening to it. i don't know why this happens. i have plenty of music to listen to, but sometimes, a certain lyric or riff or beat or overall feeling just seems to fit an ongoing mood.

that's happening to me right now. the song isn't helping my mood or my outlook. in fact, it may be making things worse. i'm going to lose my ipod today and see if that helps.

9:15 a.m. - 2011-02-15
*not moby*
so far in this young week, i'm feeling left out, left behind and forgotten. i'm not where i should be. i'm not with the people i should be with. i'm not with the person i should be with. i'm just not where i want to be.

as i've been doing lately, i'll try to stay positive and try to stay busy. i'll occupy myself with the people and things that are presented to me. i'll try not to remember what i'm missing and i'll try not to let jealousy get the best of me.

i'll try to forget that everything is wrong.

10:52 a.m. - 2011-02-14
i can't seem to get a hold on anything. as soon as i feel like i'm getting closer, and some momentum starts to build, it slips away, just far enough out of reach that it remains seemingly impossible.

i don't know what to think this time. i was starting to feel like things were headed in the right direction but, due to a circumstance beyond both of us, we had another road block that kept us aprt this weekend.

maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. maybe i'm forcing this one to avoid thinking about the other one. maybe i should stop thinking so much.

if only i could.

12:36 p.m. - 2011-02-09
*words that struck me today*
i don't see dreams in your eyes
mine are too fragile to share
when everything i've offered
has been broken by your hand
this is for me

10:59 p.m. - 2011-02-07
*no one cares but me...*
...But for some reason, I'd like to share it with you.

10 arrived today and it's near mint. Yes is mint, in plastic. Now, I'm just waiting for Sam Cooke and the elusive one.

But I hear they're playing at Sasquatch. I may have to try and go this year.

Making plans without you makes me lonelier, somehow. How is that possible when I know you're with someone else and that you don't want to be with me?

Stupid brain. Start working.

9:40 a.m. - 2011-02-05
*sweet and sticky*
A new day and a new chance.

Today is #4 and I'm really going to try. Not because it takes a lot of effort, and not because I'm trying to forget someone who's already forgotten me, but because he deserves it. He deserves my time and attention.

He likes me and I should pay more attention to why.

10:03 a.m. - 2011-02-04
*my hands aren't cold*
I just want to say hi.

I miss your words and I miss your voice.

Being quiet because you asked me to, because you want the space.

But I still miss you.

I need mittens.

4:03 p.m. - 2011-02-03
*side to side*
i've been quiet. i do appreciate you stopping by to check on me, though.

well, last week's date was cancelled. rain checked, to be more accurate. this week's blizzard has made making plans a bit difficult. he suggested walking to his place last night for a movie, but i couldn't bring myself to say yes. i'm kind of afraid of what would happen if we were all alone. i said that i didn't feel like going out in the bitter cold so we just talked on the phone for a while.

i'm not really sure what i'm afraid of, but it's something. i just wish i knew what it was.

(i know what it is, i'm just not going to say it.)

i hope that he suggests something for this weekend. i fear that if i keep saying no he'll get the wrong idea about me.

10:43 a.m. - 2011-01-31
*dark orange*
how long will it be until everything -- every sound, every word, every song, every thing -- stops reminding me of you and what you won't let us be?

it doesn't help a thing that i'm wearing orange today.

or that i can still smell you. everywhere.

9:24 a.m. - 2011-01-31
*swimming in salt waves\"
just when i thought my heart couldn't break into any more pieces, it has proven me wrong yet again. shattered to oblivion this time, i fear.

now i'm just empty. and lost.

how can you care so little? how can you pretend not to feel what we are?

i am not a lie. i am not invisible. i am more than you will ever let me be. repeat. i am not a lie. i am not invisible. i am more than you will ever let me be.

"and what i am to you, is not what you mean to me."

"your withdrawal is a door shut too quickly
aghast, i stare and wonder what it means
the handle is hot, but i have been burned
i am too reckless with my love,
left destitute
and wanting for your comfort, a familiar touch
i have loved and i have wanted to love you
words crowd my mind, spilling down my spine
each nerve ending is riddled with overwhelming
petrified by the staggering infinity
of possibilities conjured
i don't want to open the door
but i do"

6:51 a.m. - 2011-01-24
*crocodile tears*
Did you ever really mean anything you said?

When you said you felt alive, was that a lie, too?

8:30 a.m. - 2011-01-23
*trying so bad*
I had a date last night. It was a good second meeting.

But all of these things happened:
In the underground, plainclothes police arrested a man with your last name.

He told me a story about the helicopter that flies over your neighborhood. He lives there, too.

He talked about the hardware store you mentioned.

Our server's name was a reminder.

We walked by the second saddest corner in the city.

I got home and my bedroom was flooded with sodium vapor light.

Why won't the universe let my heart forget you?

2:04 p.m. - 2011-01-22
*the riots gone*
Another reason to be excited that it's the weekend.

Date night again. Let's see if the other shoe drops or if it's another night like Wednesday.

Total terrification.

1:41 p.m. - 2011-01-20
i just heard from him. he mentioned that it had been a little less than 12 hours since the end of our date, and that he hoped i didn't mind that he was contacting me so soon, but that he really wanted to make plans to see me again.

i had such a lovely time with him.

it's been longer than i can remember that someone, anyone, has been able to so clearly and freely say, "i like you and i want to see you again."

i'm still terrified.

12:54 a.m. - 2011-01-20
*where someone might, but probably won't, see it*
I passed his kiss test, too.

And I'm terrified.

9:17 p.m. - 2011-01-18
i love you but I just can't stand to give you back anymore.

we deserve a chance to be what we are. to breathe and to belong.

if you can't come with me, if you don't want to be real, i'll start slowly packing my dreams away. i'll put them on a shelf with all of my other favorite things and try to forget every moment that meant so much.

i'll always wish you happiness and i'll wish it could have been me.

11:29 a.m. - 2011-01-18
*candy, not the president*
and this is part two.

i have a date tomorrow. i hate to say that i'm excited because the last time i was excited about a date it was terrible. but, truth be told, i am excited.

he is funny, a brilliant writer and, wait for the shock, he is interested in me. we've been exchanging lengthy emails for the past week and they keep getting longer as we find more similarities and common thoughts. he's said more than a few times that he's excited for our date.

it's been a long time since someone has expressed feelings for me so clearly and so earnestly.

my heart hurts (see previous entry) from the distance and separation that are necessary for my sanity. i'm in love and that isn't changing.


he doesn't want me enough to make an attempt to be with me so i have to break this thought process in my head somehow. i wanted him, completely, in every way. it's a shame that i couldn't be more to him.

so here we go. a new date. a new chance. i will try to silence the static in my head so that i can hear B clearly. i never got that chance so i'm going to do my best to be good to someone who cares. everyone deserves that chance, right?

11:21 a.m. - 2011-01-18
*from the inside*
i'll post these thoughts in 2 separate entries.

the first should sound familiar by now.

i'm lost. discarded.

he thinks a lot about being in a real relationship with me. he doesn't want to live in this in-between limbo state anymore. he needs to settle his accounts, take a step back to find himself and then see where we stand.

but, i'm still not real. he still hasn't really changed anything, short of mentioning that he can't be physical with her anymore (and what that means is anyone's guess.)

i feel love and a ridiculous swell of hope that i ride for a moment before the crash. and i always crash. he always needs to remind me of my place.

so what do you do with a heart full of love when the person you love doesn't want it?

5:25 a.m. - 2011-01-18
*rude awakening*
I didn't want more distance. I didn't want more separation.

It's a calendar.

It's just another excuse. Another reason to question you. Another reason for you to react.

I'm so tired of hearing about her worries and concerns. I'm so tired of being nothing.

I'm not a vengeful or spiteful person. I won't, and wouldn't, do anything to disrupt your situation. You both need to be needed. You need the unrest. The act of being questioned must make you feel wanted. This unhealthy web you've built together must be exactly what you both need.

It's a shame really. I was actually starting to believe that you wanted out. That you wanted to know what real happiness was. That you wanted to be with me.

Wrong. Again.

I'm sorry I didn't want to be your puppet master. I just wanted to love you.

9:09 a.m. - 2011-01-14
my crazy sciatic nerve is at it again. i don't know what i did, but it's up to its old tricks. good thing the weekend is just around the corner.

as a side note. there's another new one lurking around the corner. maybe. he's an architect. perhaps he can build some new dreams for me, or at least change the ones i have currently. then maybe he'd stand a chance with me.

9:36 a.m. - 2011-01-12
*a jimmy sommerville cover*
i may not matter to you, but i matter to me and i can't let you take anymore of my happiness.

my eyes have been dangerously close to full of tears for most of the last couple months.

i just wanted to love you and share things with you. i'm sorry.

i'll go back to living my life without you, knowing that things will always be a little worse because i can't be with you. you'll go back to your reality, not quite living and not close to happy.

what a shame.

6:16 a.m. - 2011-01-12
I stuck out my tongue when my alarm rang this morning. That made me laugh.

Back to the silence of the orange sky now.

9:22 p.m. - 2011-01-11
*repeat redundant again*
"This may sound bad and don't take it the wrong way: I love you, however..."

7:55 p.m. - 2011-01-11
*but not the time*
"She's all alone again, wiping the tears from her eyes."

Another failed experiment in letting go. Trying again. He was worse than the others but that probably isn't his fault. It's mine. My hopes were unfairly high. I'll ignore his messages for a few days then he'll know I'm serious. 3 dates was enough to know.

So now I sit. Alone again. Desperately discouraged and missing the person I should be trying to forget.

I don't know how I got here. I don't know how I got this deep and this lost. And this empty. I don't know how I started falling for every illusion, every semblance of truth, every promising breath. I try to remember how it began, what movement or what words led me here, but I can't.

All I know is that I can't stop this ache. I can't forget, try as I have been, the touches and looks, the soft words, the deep pulls, the gentle hands and the desperate greed.

I should be remembering the lies, the manipulation, the disrespect and the cheapness. After three weeks, they still pale in comparison to the love I felt.

Tell me it will get better. Tell me that I won't always feel broken. Tell me someday I'll be able to give my heart and body to someone else as easily and readily as I gave them to him. Tell me that the next time it happens the person who gets me will appreciate me.

Please, before I completely drown.

11:44 a.m. - 2011-01-10
*from my first breath*
i can't get this song out of my head. it's been playing, on a quite steady repeat, sandwiched between others, for a while now.

Here is a song from the wrong side of town
Where I'm bound to the ground by the loneliest sound
And it pounds from within and is pinning me down

Here is a page from the emptiest stage
A cage or the heaviest cross ever made
A gauge of the deadliest trap ever laid

And I thank you for bringing me here
For showing me home
For singing these tears
Finally I've found that I belong here

The heat and the sickliest sweet smelling sheets
That cling to the backs of my knees and my feet
Well I'm drowning in time to a desperate beat

And I thank you for bringing me here
For showing me home
For singing these tears
Finally I've found that I belong

Feels like home
I should have known
From my first breath

God send the only true friend I call mine
Pretend that I'll make amends the next time
Befriend the glorious end of the line

And I thank you for bringing me here
For showing me home
For singing these tears
Finally I've found that I belong here

9:43 a.m. - 2011-01-06
*a good memory erased*
With the snow comes more sadness.

Cold and hollow.

Welcome to another day, hoping for healing.

7:10 a.m. - 2011-01-05
*baby steps*
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Many things that sound mundane but the company was fantastic.

Target for essentials and a few groceries, then home for dinner and a movie. I pulled out my new panini maker for the first time with amazing results. Sourdough bread, homemade aioli, provolone, gruyere, spinach, chicken, bacon and onion -- a nearly perfect sandwich. I will definitely be making those again.

One movie became two and we just laughed and talked. I've been needing that as my heart slowly tries to heal.

10:37 a.m. - 2011-01-04
date night was...interesting.

we'll see how the follow-up date goes before i share too many details.

interesting. that's all i have for now.

1:57 p.m. - 2011-01-03
*in my face*
i just woke the the first of many naps i hope to take on my vacation.

midway through, i woke, looked at the clock and decided i could go back to sleep for a little longer. after i fell asleep the second time, i had the most unusual dream. it was highly detailed, very specific and extremely dirty. when i woke, i had the feeling that i needed to go take a shower, or at least wash up before going any further.

pleasant dreams, indeed.

11:20 a.m. - 2011-01-03
*time bomb*
Date night. This should be interesting. I have a few hours yet before I start worrying too much.

He seems excited. That's a good thing.

3:05 p.m. - 2011-01-02
*a new date after all*
I spent most of 2010 in love with someone who didn't care about me. Someone who took me for granted and treated me with dismissive comments. Someone who, at times, professed that me loved me as much as he could possibly feel and who, at other times, called me a mistake and a regret. It was never a casual fling, yet at times he made me feel cheap and disposable.

In the good times and the quiet moments, I'd never felt so full, so happy and so hopeful as I did with him. I believed in what we had and what we could be so strongly. When he was cold and closed to me, I don't know that I've ever experienced a feeling quite like that. I was, and will remain, confused as to why he didn't believe in us. When we sobbed together for the breaking of us, my confusion reached a point that still sounds like static in my head. It keeps me from sleeping.

I fought for us. He fought against us.

Several times during the year, I had dates, and some relationships, that could have had some potential but I didn't let them. I was too taken, too emotionally involved with him to let myself see the possibility of someone else.

It's a new year and I'm starting it off with a date tomorrow night. This is the first person I've met in a long time that gets through the static. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and I'm hopeful that my head stays quiet.

11:55 p.m. - 2010-12-31
*reminder to me and you*
Nothing changes on new year's day.

9:54 a.m. - 2010-12-28
*the same 5 CDs*
i had a really wonderful time on Christmas Eve.

all of my parents' neighbors put luminarias lining their curbs and driveways. my parents' house and yard is quite large and this is no small task. my dad pre-loaded the bags and we walked, while he hummed carols(he always hums or whistles something), placing the bags the designated 6' apart and straightening the wicks. after all 150 bags were placed, we split up and lit all them all.

i think as long as i live, i won't ever forget the memory of working in the falling snow and lighting those candles with my dad. he's such a wonderful man and he truly loves the holiday season. the soft glow of those bags made for some really beautiful pictures.

it was peaceful and i'd needed that so badly.

3:47 p.m. - 2010-12-27
*fun with alphabets*
absolute hollow
broken misery
cauterizing nothing
desperately alone
edge of something

fuck you. we could have been something.

going back
hoping for more and less
i can't do this
just the memories
kill my will
my bed
never again

over and over the tears come for you

patience didn't serve me
quiet screams in my mind
rendered useless
saved by nothing
too much hiding
visceral desires

what should I have done? what should I have believed?

X'ed out (we all get x'd out)
you have changed me in ways I can't describe

6:51 p.m. - 2010-12-25
In you I found something I never knew existed. I didn't ever want to be without you or have to learn to live without what makes you special. Since you've made being with you an impossibility, I guess I'll have to learn to be someone else.

It's a shame, really. I had just started to really like that me.

11:00 a.m. - 2010-12-25
*crying for the death of your heart*
merry christmas to you.

6:08 p.m. - 2010-12-24
*i only wanted to be real*
this velveteen rabbit, all rosy and covered with snow, cannot take any more reminders of you today. i'm full enough already but they just keep coming.

6:53 a.m. - 2010-12-24
*so this is christmas*
to me:
happy christmas! here's the broken heart you never wanted. good luck repairing it. many of the pieces are missing so you'll just have to get used to that. oh, don't be so upset. you'll learn to get by with your punctured lungs, black eyes and shattered skin. sleep is overrated, anyway.

from me:
i'm swimming as fast as I can.

11:00 p.m. - 2010-12-23
*to the deep end*
Days without you are long, lonely and boring. I smile less, I laugh less and I can't seem to get warm. When I catch my reflection, I see a hollow and flat void that barely registers recognition.

This is my new existence. "Together," you made me invisible. Apart, you've made me disappear. Soon, I'll be completely gone, less than nothing, an imaginary number. I'll be just a memory, a flash, a collection of words and hours. Perhaps.

You may not remember anything at all.

12:58 p.m. - 2010-12-23
*a thought*
we are better by design.

8:47 a.m. - 2010-12-23
*swept to sea*
lost. there's no other way to describe this feeling. i've lost something that meant the world to me. i've lost all sense of hope and direction. i've lost the ability to control my tears. i'm lost without you.

i hope you realize how much you've meant to me and how much you will continue to mean to me. i think i've told you enough times and in enough ways that it should be pretty clear at this point.

i miss you. i love you and i didn't ever want to say goodbye. we never had the chance to be what we should have been.

5:24 p.m. - 2010-12-19
*so close to a complete cave-in, the hatred is intense*
I've made a terrible mistake.

I said what I had to. What I felt I had to. But I don't really want to say what I did. You don't believe that I mean what I said and you're right. How could I mean it? I don't want to end.


You don't care about me. You haven't talked to me in days. You haven't written a thing to me. You've probably forgotten me already. I should take a page from your playbook and do the same things. I should forget what you've meant, forget what I care about and forget how I felt. I should go back to hollow.

I'll keep trying. I'm nearly numb except for a painful throbbing now. Soon I'll disappear entirely.

I'll prove us both wrong even if it kills me.

1:03 p.m. - 2010-12-07
this has been a very strange day and it's only getting stranger.

tuesday. is it really just tuesday?

11:43 a.m. - 2010-12-06
*warm my hands*
december always feels like the longest and shortest month. so much to do and so many places to go. so much to buy and so much to see.

party this weekend. minneapolis for popsickle next weekend. visit my parents the following weekend. nye the following weekend. and then it's over.

trying to stay busy. trying to fill my time. counting the days and minutes until my birthday and a weekend celebration in nyc with my best friends. focusing on trying to ignore the pain and trying to remember to breathe through it.

failing, but i'm trying to remember.

1:29 p.m. - 2010-12-02
*not my words...*
...but i give them to you anyway.

The words get trapped in my mind
I'm sorry I don't take the time to feel the way I do
'Cause from the first day you came into my life
My time ticks around you, and then I need your voice
As a key to unlock all the love that's trapped in of me

So tell me when it's time to say I love you

All I want is you to understand
That when I take your hand, it's 'cause I want to
We're all born in a world of doubt
But there's no doubt I love you

And I feel lonely for
All the losers that will never take the time to say
What's beyond their mind instead they just hide away
And yet they'll never have someone like you
To grab their hand help them along the way

So tell me when it's time to say I love you
So tell me when it's time to say I love you

9:29 a.m. - 2010-12-01
*new month*
today is the kind of day that makes me smile when everyone else is scowling. the weather is refreshing, invigorating and bold. i like the cold in my lungs, the snow in my hair and the red in my cheeks. welcome winter. work your magic. finally.

3:13 p.m. - 2010-11-30
*birthday adventures*
there's nothing quite like good news, is there?

this must be what it feels like to be a yorkie or a chihuahua or some other yappy, quivering dog. i feel as if everyone can tell i'm shaking inside and my words keeps tumbling out nonsensically. i really love this buzzing.

just amazing, happy, redeeming, news. i've mentioned my tendency toward hyperbole before, but I'd almost say the news is life-affirming and god damn it could not have come at a better time since my foundation is so shattered i'm not sure how to begin to repair it.

my hope is that the memories, all of the memories, fade quickly. as they escape from my heart and mind and try to force themselves through my broken foundation, they'll end up stuck, filling the cracks and holes. someday i'll stand stronger for conquering yet another heartbreak, fortified with memories long forgotten and moving forward.

a girl can wish, can't she?

today has been a really fucking good day and i feel a little wild now.

1:01 p.m. - 2010-11-29
*lost by wanting more*
i'm starting over and i hate it.

i dislike being left without options even more, however.

that thought will push me forward.

11:16 a.m. - 2010-11-21
*observation #1386*
you are
i am
we are
everything is

5:46 p.m. - 2010-11-20
i think i've reached that point
where giving up and going on
are both the same dead end to me
both the same old song

6:19 a.m. - 2010-11-19
*stop the presses*
4 hours of sleep like night. i feel like i could conquer the world now. no. not really. but I am ready to face the day.

i'm looking forward to having a friend over for dinner. i've been waiting for this night for a long time, sad as it might be.

more on that later...don't get too excited.

12:29 p.m. - 2010-11-18
*a gold star, indeed*
more than halfway through my work day now and everything still feels hazy as if i just woke up from a far too early alarm.

i had a great night last night with plenty of friends and so much laughter my cheeks still kind of ache from the effort. i got my standard 3 hours of sleep and spent the other 3 writing words to no one that no one will ever read. actually, to say they were words for no one is almost too specific. they were general thoughts for the universe as i try to make sense of what's happening to me.

i've always really enjoyed starting over and making a fresh run at things. in general, this is true and i've done it with great success a number of times. this time is different though. before i can do that, i have to figure out how to restore my confidence. not my self-confidence, that's ok, but my confidence in the world and the people in it.

i'm so tired of lies, misrepresentations and fake displays of emotion. i'm tired of people who are too convinced of their own importance and too absorbed in their own bland lives to be mindful of the fact that they're causing damage beyond the scope of their comprehension and repair. i'm tired of having to repossess my heart from people who don't care about me, regardless of who i am and what i've done. i'm tired of being punished for caring, feeling, supporting, understanding, forgiving and loving. most of all though, i'm tired of being made to feel as if i'm so unimportant that i don't even deserve to exist.

tall order, i know, but this must be done before i can shake this haze. and i'm working on it.

and as a side note to no one: i won't let you break me. you can't. i'm not hollow like you are. what's inside of me and my heart makes me too strong for you to break.

9:59 a.m. - 2010-11-18
*and everything just falls apart*
i believe the title speaks for itself.

there's really nothing more to say.

6:37 a.m. - 2010-11-17
*wednesdays are hard*
I need ideas for today's soundtrack. Nothing sounds right this morning.

Your ideas and insight are appreciated.

2:56 p.m. - 2010-11-15
*plus, it's just fun to say!*
i believe we may have a winner. this may also be the first time in my life i've been thankful to have been stuck on a horribly long and horribly boring conference call so that i could peruse my options.

vieques island. i've been wanting to go there for a couple of years. flights are reasonable and the hotel is only 69. perfect.

2:13 p.m. - 2010-11-15
*birthday wishes*
today i've been searching for places to go for my birthday. i don't care if i go alone or with another person or with a group of friends. it isn't too far away now and i need something to look forward to, something pleasant.

i can't decide if i want to leave the country and go someplace warm or if i'd rather stay in the States and find a cool place to go. i'll make up my mind soon enough i suppose. if it didn't cost $3,000 and 20 hours to fly there, i'd take advantage of the $49 hotel rates in the Seychelles. a dream.

i'm not looking forward to this birthday.

5:53 a.m. - 2010-11-15
* that building may be on fire. i am*
it appears that 3 is indeed the magic number. that's the number of hours of sleep per night I'm capable of lately. perfect.

9:55 a.m. - 2010-11-14
*still ill*
just another gray and lonely day.

i'm starting to annoy myself. this has to end soon.

so i'll do laundry and re-arrange my place. big changes coming this week.

i spent my morning with a pot of coffee to combat the near sleepless week i had, sorting through netflix, trying to arrange some fun surprises for me. i don't like to check my queue very often so i'm surprised when the mail comes.

pathetic much? yep. that's me.

7:39 p.m. - 2010-11-13

but i did make it until 7:30 p.m. that's pretty good for me.

perhaps it is progress, but it doesn't feel that way. how is trying to forget about someone the answer to stopping tears?

it feels more like cowardice.

1:26 p.m. - 2010-11-13
it's 1:27 p.m. and i haven't cried all day. yet. well, that's not entirely true. i cried as i was falling asleep just after 1 this morning. but still, 12 hours. perhaps it's progress or perhaps my tearducts have run dry. we'll see how long this lasts.

9:10 a.m. - 2010-11-12
*last night*
a walk down the street
then over to the park
it was past 2 a.m. and i didn't care
i couldn't sleep and i had to move
or risk being trapped in my bed head
the air felt damp
and the chill soaked my bones
at least i had something else to feel
if only for an hour or two

9:09 p.m. - 2010-11-11
*the very root of my soul*

(somewhere, sometime, someone has to choose me, right? has to want to be with me? is it even possible?)

i've given so much of me. even if someone did choose me, is there enough left to even have value? any worth left for someone to love?

i'm starting to doubt it. all of it.

4:28 p.m. - 2010-11-11
*praying for the itch that precedes a scab*
sometimes i feel like i should combine my diaries. should anyone happen to stumble across this one, they might get the wrong idea about me.

i haven't always been this way. once upon a time, i was happy, confident and excited about everything. filled with possibilities, fresh starts and new avenues, i started every day completely thankful for the warmth that filled me.

that is, sadly, no longer the case. now the demons that had disappeared so long ago seem to be back with a roar and i can't do anything to stop them. i can't make myself feel the right way anymore.

i will always wonder why and i can't begin to find a shred of hope to launch my life from anymore. why was i so easy to use? why did i let you take everything from me when i got so little in return? why do you insist on clinging to a false reality? why are you so happy to be unhappy and miserable? why am i letting your twisted senses tie me up? when will i stop keeping track of the hours that pass between communications from you? when will i stop thinking that you'll ever be able to explain how you could have done this to me?

i was nothing but good to you. i was open. i was honest. you misled, you lied and you did it all to entertain yourself. you took all of my words and all of my actions and anything else you could grab and discarded them so easily. you kept me a secret. you made me a ghost and now you're trying to make me disappear entirely.

congratulations on a job well done. you're still stuck in the same misery you were when i met you even though you know you could have found permanent relief with me. i'm sad for you, sad for me, and completely lost somehow.

i have another long evening with my tears to look forward to. perhaps i'll wash the sheets and make the remainder of you and your final exit a memory. if i can find the energy to do that it would definitely be a step in the right direction.

you've rid yourself of the idea of being with me and completely given yourself to the inertia that's carried you through the last 5 or 6 years.

i have to let the wounds heal somehow. but, oh fuck, i didn't ever want to let you go.

4:07 p.m. - 2010-11-11
*life without you because you didn't want it to be any other way*
i'm so close to being invisible it's rather terrifying.

i haven't felt like this in years and i'm completely without resources to stop it.

i've cried myself to sleep 3 times in the last 2 days and the rim of tears constantly resting on my lower lashes is starting to get annoying. it's like living at the water-line. one more stabbing thought and i drown.

i certainly never wanted things to be this way, but you never wanted me. unless you needed distraction, that is.

1:15 p.m. - 2010-11-11
*broken heart, sold as is*
these days, my heart feels like a jigsaw puzzle, dragged home from a rummage sale.

you can try to put it together and even try to use some of that nifty puzzle glue to preserve it, but you'll only be disappointed in the result. it's missing too many pieces to see the full picture.


10:54 a.m. - 2010-11-10
*the velveteen rabbit*
burning. because i have no chance of rescue or protection.

because i've let you discard me too many times. because i want to be with you more often than i'll ever be allowed.

why was i so easy for you to let go? why does your misery mean more to you than my love?

1:12 p.m. - 2010-11-03
where we stand.

we are where we've always been, but with more truth now. more admissions. more clarity.

--you are unwilling to change your current situation
--you will remain in said situation
--you will continue to be sad and miserable because you need to
--we will never have a chance to be anything
--i cannot change your mind
--i will be a regret

i think that covers most of everything. 10 months reduced to 6 short sentences. previously we've taken agreed upon breaks and separated for times, but there was always a sense of "see you later" rather than "goodbye." as you've said, however, this time feels different. you're different. you've always talked about getting out, about acknowledging the stagnation and what it does to you and your overall outlook on everything, and about your general displeasure with the relationship. now, i've learned that, though that all may be true, you won't ever change it, despite musings to the contrary.

that leaves me nowhere, still, but with permanence now.

i've mailed you back your things, and I said goodbye to them. i would like a chance to say goodbye to you, too. i'm not speaking physically as that is, clearly, not an option anymore. just a little time to talk and to wish you well. this time, however, i will watch you go so that i remember. i will need to remember that and hope that it makes it easier for me.

and that's where we stand.

7:26 p.m. - 2010-10-24
*always and today*
Empty. Alone. Lost.
Dull. Heartbroken. Redundant.
Bored. Hurt. Broken.

At least I know the answer. I'm in a better place than before in that regard, at least.

7:11 p.m. - 2010-10-19
*to no one*
why do i feel compelled to have the same arguments with you over and over and over when i know that there is no point at all?

maybe i'm the one who is broken and stupid after all.

12:07 p.m. - 2010-10-19
*i wanna see the light*
Could it be that I'm finally ready? That I've been knocked down for the last time and I'm starting to see the light? I've been so blind, so used, so hurt for so long. I'm better, and worth far more, than feeling like a kicked puppy.

I'm too picky. Too forgiving. Too understanding and way too accepting. You wouldn't think this are personality flaws, but I've been proven wrong again.

Maybe it'll feel better to be alone. To grieve it all, and the loss of what it never was, slowly and privately without interruption.

I'll cover my eyes for the last time tonight.

10:28 a.m. - 2010-10-18
*popped balloons, cold coffee and a bruise on the back of my neck*
what a weekend. i wish that i had the words, or the time, to describe it in detail but i have neither.

now it's monday. here i am again hoping for a fresh week and a fresh start. it's been a little sadder than i would have liked to start the day, but that's ok. that's just the road i'm on. for now.

6:40 p.m. - 2010-10-16
*batteries not required*
Today has been a really good day. I did some work on me and then took a little nap. Made dinner for some friends and now I'm heading to dance my cares away. Inbetween that it was a gorgeous day with a beautiful sunset from my windows.

Good friends, good food, good wine, good music and lots of laughs.

This is exactly what I needed. The cracks are starting to fill. Slowly, but I'm hopeful.

4:15 p.m. - 2010-10-15
*ain't that a kick in the face*
i will get through this.
i've been through worse tests of my strength and i will make it through this one just fine, too.

the ache will go away. the sadness i feel will subside. the disappointment will fade. the loneliness will fill.

now. if i can just keep reminding myself of that for a few days, i'll be better soon.

i'll forget what he was to me and what i never was to him will become more obvious. i'll stop my eyes from filling with tears when i remember that he isn't crying over me.

first step. breathe through the pain. ignore the feeling that i'm being kicked in the chest everytime i think of his face or name.

disappear. i can do it. i've done it a hundred times before.

12:36 p.m. - 2010-10-15
*this just in*
10 months.
almost an entire year, i've spent my time being wrapped up in someone who doesn't care about me. at all. i've dated quite a few other people and ended the relationships too soon because i just couldn't manage to get him out of my head. more than once, probably 5 times, i've said "enough" and pulled back, taking various measurements to protect myself against the next onslaught of emotion. in every case, i caved. so completely in love that i allowed myself to sink to levels i didn't know i was capable of allowing.

i was patient beyond explanation, kind beyond reason and loving beyond sanity. i gave him my time, my consideration, my heart, my thoughts, my words, my belief and my body to use however he liked. and use me, he did. most days and nights, we spent emailing, chatting, or texting with the rare phone call thrown in for good measure. 30 times we were together -- it seems like such a tiny number -- but those 30 days kept us coming back for more.

i've let him treat me as if i don't matter. as if i have no value. no worth. i craved his time because i always hoped that someday he'd see. sure, he pretended to, and lately he'd gotten really, really good at it. convincing in a way that only people who are liars to the core can be. and i let my self continue to believe.

today something changed. something in me has changed. finally, after all this time and all this sadness and doubt, i've found my rage. i'm fucking livid, dammit.

only rage can describe how angry i am at myself for getting so wrapped up in this twisted, manipulative tangle that he calls his life. he'll never leave her because he can't. she only wants him because she doesn't know how to be without him. she doesn't have friends or social skills. she needs him in order to feel like she's in control of something so she controls every aspect of his life and personality and requires changes if what he displays are not to her liking. he needs to be needed and he needs to be chased. being her project makes him feel like she wants him, but she only wants the end diagram, not what he is. he follows along, hoping that it leads to their happiness. it never will. it never has. they were an illusion from the start but who else would have stayed around for this long except two exceptionally damaged people who need the drama of misery more than they'll ever want to be happy?

i will rant about this for a few more days and then i have to be done. i've blocked him from chat and removed his online access to my world.

i have to find my strength somehow and letting him continue to remind me that i'm barely human in his eyes is not the right solution.

i cannot be his "more" option any longer.

6:40 p.m. - 2010-10-14
*sometimes i forget i used to smile*
I started this entry earlier but didn't save it and it disappeared.

Lately, for the past few months actually, I've been so dark and down that I'm starting to scare myself. This isn't like me. I can usually shake what's ailing me in pretty short order. This time I can't. Probably the avalanche of disappointments, losses, rejections and secrets that I've been silently living through alone. I'm having trouble remembering what keeps me going. What makes me move forward. I'm forcing myself to make this list and I'll add random thoughts as they surface.
Flowers for no reason
Root beer
Desserts hot from the oven
Clean sheets
Red wine on chilly nights
High heels

11:52 a.m. - 2010-10-14
*a short list of wishes and the pain that led me to them*
stolen. grabbed. ripped from my brain and my lungs.

peace and strength. peace and strength.

9:48 a.m. - 2010-10-14
*just another cry to deaf ears*
always too much
yet somehow never enough
how do i begin to reconcile
what i am
you've hollowed me of happiness
and value and hope
left me alone, cold and
screaming for you to notice
at times
you've filled me with pleasure
and excitement
made me breathless with possibilities
and yet
you disappear, retreat, pull back with
no explanation
no acknowledgement
no feeling
and still
i'm here
believing in a future i need you to
let unfold

7:46 p.m. - 2010-10-13
*let's go im ready *
I've never regretted any of my loves. I'm good at being open and I'm good at being in love.

I am deeply in love with someone who doesn't love me and probably never will. Could this story be more ridiculous? First person to ever have her heart broken, right? Yay for me. Take my picture.

Fuck it. Give me what you can and I'll make do. No one else gets me like you do.

9:21 a.m. - 2010-10-13
i'm tired this morning. frustrated. disappointed. none of this is new information, but it's all i can think to say right now.

actually, that's not true.

i'm also hungry. extremely hungry. i forgot to eat yesterday (which is not really the point) but i'm craving something very specific now.

i think i'll be hungry for a while.

2:32 p.m. - 2010-10-12
*a fresh new look*
i've been meaning to post this for a few days now and someone just reminded me i needed to.

it never ceases to amaze me that, no matter how I feel, someone always tells me i look happy. earlier this year, following a particularly harsh break up of sorts, i was hollowed and crying all the way until i met some friends for drinks. they were taking pictures and i was doing my best to smile. 3 or 4 people commented that i had the happiest face they'd ever seen and they're weren't being sarcastic.

more times than i can remember, when i've felt the worst and when i'm sure that my world is crashing in, someone tells me that my face looks happy. a few weeks ago someone said that i reminded them of sunshine even when the clouds were hiding it.

it just happened again. my eyes have been brimming with tears all morning and my boss just said asked me how i was and said i seemed very happy today.

no. actually, i'm not. my heart is broken. my beliefs are shattered. the loneliness that has been hovering now feels like a wet blanket smothering me. i can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. i'm exhausted and feeling physical pain over this latest split. i feel a throbbing ache drumming in my ears all the time.

have i just worn this pain for so long that i'm smiling through it now? prefect. it's the world's best disguise. no one has to know that i'm an empty shell.

2:12 p.m. - 2010-10-12
*cloak and dagger*
nothing makes me feel better, or more appreciated, as when someone senior to me in my company says that the work i do doesn't really matter.


how am i supposed to feel about that? it isn't as though i work less, or try less, or don't give every day my best efforts. just that the work i do and its impact on my company isn't that great.


can i please be any less important in this world? i'm going for completely invisible. wish me luck.

6:33 a.m. - 2010-10-12
*into this night*
it's too hot to sleep, too hot to shower and far too hot to do the things that we do. but i like it.

happy hopes for this tuesday morning.

i have to make my legs move. somehow.

12:45 p.m. - 2010-10-11
*monday in the park with me*
a long walk for lunch, trying to shake the cobwebs from my head. it's too warm for what I chose to wear today. i can never seem to get this right. i sat on a bench and watched all of the people trying to get to their next somewhere, drinking coffee and just killing time. i took the long way back to work, not wanting to end my break.

it was a nice distraction. i should do that more often. if anything, it forces me to keep my eyes open and makes me more visible. i can't hide from people, or myself, anymore. i remember now how it felt when i faced the world with an almost confrontational air and how good that felt.

i need something. my body knows what it is long before I do, usually, and this is no different. the park had a few hidden corners that tempted me to do something i haven't done in a while. i can usually restrain myself in public places, preferring the privacy of my house or office. today though, the temptation won. the wetness won. a few minutes later i was panting and heading back to work on wobbly legs.

i can think of better ways to spend a lunch break, but not many.

11:18 a.m. - 2010-10-11
a new week. a new start. a new chance to tell myself that it's ok to let go.

but i don't want to. i want the way i feel with him. i want the chances i never got. i want the weekend trips and vacations and movies and dinners and quiet afternoons. i want to ring in the new year in his arms.

a new year. a new start. a new chance to fight for what we've found and and to never let go.

10:22 p.m. - 2010-10-10
*about face*
but restless
skin on fire pulse pounding back arching
i can't fall asleep
can't stop my hands
can't keep from going deeper
this trembling will stop
soon i'll drift away
dreaming of the only thing
the one thing i want
the dirty thought that feeds my fingers
your lips
your tongue
your breath
your fingers
between my legs

8:16 p.m. - 2010-10-10
*late summer delays the fall*
today was an unusual day -- cheers, tears, laughs and a spark. i wonder if this will ever get better or if it will ever end.

i want what I want.

my breath in your hair
my cheek against yours
with a silence no words could properly fill

10:45 p.m. - 2010-10-09
*dreams of vacations, realities and tiny licks*
i've been good all day, but right now i miss your arms around me so badly i can barely catch my breath. i miss the feeling of your skin on mine, my fingers touching all of you.

why can't i stop thinking about you? surely i'm the furthest thing from your mind tonight.

8:08 a.m. - 2010-10-09
i start at the beginning
from now
i tell you what i want you to hear
i pause for your reactions
process delays honesty
nothing means as much as this
right now
i yell, i start over, i look for burials
i flail, i flay, i stare
i expose myself
i uncover truths
i touch you without hands
holding on to now
taking final chances
a last shot before disaster
searching mirrors for reaction
sunk to new lows
i watch myself breathe
so I won't forget
starting now

4:56 p.m. - 2010-10-08
*shorter days*
in to the streets, eyes covered and head down.

the best disguise I have these days.

3:32 p.m. - 2010-10-08
*tears slowly streaming*
i wish that today were last friday.

i would have said more. i would have done more. i would have paid more attention to every moment, every breath and every detail.

i want to do it again.

and again.


10:25 a.m. - 2010-10-08
--because it doesn't feel right.
--because it doesn't feel like anything but routine.
--because you don't feel supported.
--because you don't feel understood.
--because you can't be honest for fear of fallout.
--because you've been coldly corrected for so long you can't think and act on your own.
--because there's a better way to be.
--because need is not a substitute for love.
--because love means accepting.
--because conditional relationships aren't based on real feelings.
--because years of hurt, fighting and acquiesing don't make a person whole, nor does it create a healthy bond.
--because you're losing sight of who you are outside of these strict boundaries
--because trying to control another person is a desperate attempt to try and make yourself feel better
--because being alone requires a strength and belief in oneself that many lack or fear.
--because fear of being alone causes people to refuse to see the truth

because routine is not love
because need is not love
because routine is not love

because you'll never be right. because there will always be something else that needs to change. because people need love, support and nurturing to grow. because the lack of love support and nurturing leads to stunted growth, resentment and dullness. because it's gone on for far too long.

makes perfect sense, right?

of course it does, but nothing will change. that is, until the next required behavior modification and then you'll change. briefly. on the surface, just to show your obedience. just to go along to avoid further discussions. and you'll get further and further from who you know you are and you'll continue to lose sight of what you need to be happy. and the fantastic person you are gets chipped away. again. more.

I hate what you're doing to yourself. I hate what you're doing to me.

withsilence, I go. It shouldn't have ended this way. you'll never know how amazing you are.

8:56 a.m. - 2010-10-08

peace and strength
clarity and calm
comfort and relief

why can't i get a little of that? any of that? i'd settle for 3 of 6, or 2 of 6. actually, even 1 of them would be a start.

10:13 p.m. - 2010-10-06
*history (34)*
A carnival of absurdities and I'm the idiot waiting around for the crash and burn.

Is it desperately sad, or just moderately so, that I now find myself waiting around for a killing blow rather than a faint glimmer of hope/happiness/concern/insert impossibility here?

Why does every fiber of my being continue to shout to keep fighting? Keep going.

Maybe it's just my heart screaming for its life. Again.

9:03 a.m. - 2010-10-06
*a full time job*

here we go again.

and today, my feet are cold. that never happens.

oddities continue.

3:35 p.m. - 2010-10-05
another night
another day
another endless night
and on

i really do try to avoid hyperbole. i doesn't help anything and it seems only to make me feel worse.


i feel like i'm drowning in a salt marsh. i'm crying so often that it feels like the tears are soaking through my cheeks and in to my mouth. my lungs feel so hollow i can't manage anything more than short gasps for breath. i know i have to move on, to forget, to ignore, to resist, but i can't seem to get that message to my heart yet. i'm stuck in this place. alone.

change. please.

4:01 p.m. - 2010-10-04
*my nightly curse*
I had that dream again last night. Why does my stupid, dense brain continue to torture me with these scenes?

I cried myself to sleep, but this is nothing new. I've fallen asleep with a tear-soaked pillow more in the past few months than I care to recall. It's gotten to be a bad habit of sorts. It's oddly comforting to feel the wetness against my cheek as my eyes hollow nightly.

Last night, I woke to "the dream," as I do a few times per week. It's more fantasy than dream with impossible, improbable situations. The participants are always the same: him, me and a faceless man. The details change slightly but the ending is always the same.

As the final scenes play out in the dream, I begin to wake and find my hand in my panties, exploring the wetness the dream brings. Sometimes, depending how turned on I am by the vivid qualities of this fantasy, I stay awake until I've cum 2 or 3 times. Sometimes I try to re-create the physical experiences of what I'm dreaming, which is no easy task. Sometimes I draw out the feelings slowly, adding my own additional elements of torment, until I'm moaning and rocking myself back into oblivion.

I try to exhaust myself with pleasure so I pass out from the pleasure of it all, trying to avoid more tears. I always fail. I return to sleep tingling, crying, aching for him.

Hoping to sleep the night through someday.

11:11 a.m. - 2010-10-04
"I really did love life. I just wasn't too good at it."

11:06 a.m. - 2010-10-04
\"i am jet black. i am stone cold.\"

i'm counting on the coffee to keep my eyes open and to fortify my body so that it stays erect and doesn't crumble. i can't cry now. i have to work.

tonight, in my haunted house, i can let go. re-christen the rooms with fresh tears as i've done so many times before.

9:17 p.m. - 2010-10-03
I'm lost without you.

The rooms are haunted. Salt-stained and gray. Just one word echoing through my bones.

1:59 p.m. - 2010-10-03
\"it's killing us both\"
I wrote you a letter. Actually, I wrote a thousand letters, changing words, shifting tone and varying my exposure in each revision.

In the end, as it was in the beginning, you'll never see the truth in these words. They're meaningless to you and forever useless to me. I throw them out to anyone and everyone.

Is it too much to ask for a little understanding?

1:26 p.m. - 2010-10-03
this city
the trigger
all of it broken

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